Ways To Reconcile After a Divorce
The old adage that “distance makes the heart grow fonder” frequently has merit when it comes to marriage and divorce. Couples who divorce seeking an easier or more fulfilling life elsewhere frequently find that the same personal issues that made them unhappy during the marriage are still present following the divorce. In many cases, it may take a divorce for couples to appreciate the benefits that marriage brought to their lives.
It is not uncommon for couples who have divorced to ultimately conclude that the divorce was a mistake. Frequently, after some time apart to address their own issues, couples decide that they would like to reconcile. But how can they do this, when so much damage has already been done? To reconcile after a divorce takes time, patience and understanding on both sides so these wounds can heal.
First, it is critical to examine what led to the divorce in the first place. Was there infidelity on one side or the other? Was the marriage lacking love and intimacy? Was one partner abusive? Were addictions involved? Or did the couple simply “drift apart”? In any case, to avoid repeating whatever negative patterns caused the divorce, it is critical to identify those patterns and take steps to eliminate them from the relationship in the future. In an effort to reconcile, it might be useful for each partner to first make a list of issues they perceive as problems that led to the divorce. It is probable that if the two partners sit down and compare lists, they will find many of the same issues raised by both of them.
Identifying the issues is the first step, but only the first step. Once relationship-damaging problems have been identified, it is critical to find ways to resolve those issues in the future. If there was a problem behavior on behalf of one or both spouses, now is the time to address that behavior. Many seek help through counseling, through support groups or even through friends and family who have undergone and resolved similar issues. Others find that simply discussing the issue with their partner might help them to break the bad habits that the other person resented during the marriage. An open line of communication between the couple is the first step to generating a plan they can agree upon for addressing their marital problems.
Of course, the final step is to take action. If a couple can agree upon changes that must be made, that step in and of itself represents major progress in reconciliation. However, for a marriage to ultimately succeed the second time, those changes must be implemented by both partners every day. When one person fails to live up to their side of the arrangement, it is critical that the other person can remind him or her gently, without causing offense, and without allowing old resentments to rebuild.
Couples frequently enter into the institution of marriage highly naïve as to the level of effort that will be required of them in order to remain happily married. In reconciling after a divorce, even more effort may be required. However, with a strong commitment to the resolution, couples who have experienced both marriage and divorce may find those efforts worthwhile when the reconciliation is ultimately a success.