How Are Children Affected By Divorce?
In American society today, divorce is no longer the exception to the rule – it virtually is the rule. Almost everyone has either been divorced, is the child of divorce, or at least has had some, more distant, experience with divorce. One of the predominant questions on the minds of many considering divorce is, “how would a divorce affect our children?” The answer to this question is far from simple, but if one takes a step back and examines it in a broader context, it may be possible to make the best decision.
It is a fact that children of divorcing parents will inevitably be affected. Even an infant, too young to remember a time when both parents were married, will grow up differently if his or her parents are divorced versus if they are married. For older children, divorce carries the additional element of the disruption of a routine that the children have always known. In most cases, this is an extremely stressful time for a child.
Numerous studies have shown that children frequently grow up to follow as adults very similar behavioral patterns to those of their parents. Many children of divorce grow up to eventually divorce, a phenomenon frequently attributed to lack of a positive parental example for marriage. For this reason, parents considering divorce tend to fear that if they follow through with the divorce, their children are doomed to repeat what they perceive as their failure.
Yet, it is not necessarily a safe assumption that divorce will be the worst solution. While many couples choose to remain married “for the children,” despite believing that their marriage is irreparably damaged, many may also choose to divorce in order to remove the children from an unhealthy situation. While it is clear that children of divorce often become divorced, it is also well established that children who grow up in unhealthy environments tend to follow those examples as adults. Children of abuse frequently grow up to either become abusive or to choose abusive partners. Children who grow up in households where addiction is an issue tend to engage in those same problem behaviors. Children who witness infidelity on behalf of one or both parents frequently grow up to engage in that behavior as well. With those patterns in mind, it is wise for parents contemplating divorce to ask themselves what unhealthy behaviors are currently present in the marriage, and how those behaviors might affect the children later in life.
Moreover, many children, especially younger children, tend to internally or externally blame themselves for problems between their parents. For this reason, it is extremely important for divorcing parents to explain to the children that the divorce was between the parents alone and that the child did nothing wrong. Additionally, they must reassure the child that the divorce does not affect the love of either parent for the child.
One of the most important factors in a child’s life is a sense of security. Today, divorce is so commonplace that many people are able to have amicable divorces and subsequent, separate lives - perhaps even with both parents becoming remarried. Certainly, a happy, stable family in which both parents are present under one roof is ideal for a child. However, when this situation is impossible for whatever reason, offering a child an alternative route to stability through a divorce might be the better solution.