Divorce and Effect on Teenagers
The stresses inflicted by a divorce are considerable. They apply not only to the divorcing spouses, but also to their children. If a couple’s children are in their teenaged years, divorce can present a different dynamic relative to that presented when the children are very young.
Young children have a very limited understanding of relationships between adults. When a couple divorcing has younger children, those children tend to view the divorce directly in terms of how it affects them personally. Do both of my parents still love me? Did I cause this to happen? Can I fix it? Will I still get to see both of my parents?
In contrast, teenagers have a much greater ability to understand the emotional dynamics between their divorcing parents. For example, if the marriage is dissolving as a result of infidelity, a teenaged child may be aware of this as he or she may have witnessed the same behavior on the part of one parent that has aroused the suspicion of the other parent. Additionally, in the event of a divorce, it is not uncommon for one or both parents to discuss the situation openly and candidly with teenaged children.
This greater understanding on behalf of teenaged children can be both good and bad. Because teenagers understand that the issues are between the parents, they do not tend to carry as much personal guilt resulting from the divorce of their parents as younger children will carry. They can also sometimes be less affected by a divorce if they are nearing the age where they will cease to live with either parent.
However, a teenager also has the ability to recognize the flaws in both parents that led to the divorce. Frequently, teenaged children tend to blame one parent or the other for the divorce, and this can lead to resentments that last long after the divorce process is completed. Moreover, some parents will manipulate these emotions to their advantages during and after the divorce, using the children to ultimately harm the other spouse.
Another major difference between the effects of divorce on teenagers versus younger children is that teenagers are frequently granted more personal choice in the matter. While custody of younger children is generally decided by the divorcing parents and the legal system, teenagers are often given options as to which parent they will live with or how they will divide their time between the parents. This is another issue that can become very complicated, as it can cause the divorcing parents a feeling of rejection when the teenager chooses to spend time with the other parent. It is also another source of stress upon the teenager. Faced with the choice between living with one parent or the other, the teenager may feel that there is no right answer, because to choose one parent is to reject the other.
The situation can become even more difficult if one parent will be relocating to a different city, making daily or weekly visits to both parents impossible. In these situations, many families decide upon a joint custody situation in which the children spend half of each year, for example, with each parent.